I have a source in "The New World" (as people used to call it before it became just the same old thing, only bigger and more dangerous) who regularly sends me adverts and articles from magazines professing to have the solution to what are known as "Bad hair days."
These are days when you hair just will not do anything you remotely want it to, and insists on maintaining a stance that very much suggests you spent last night under a tangled, thorny bush on a windy moor. I have approximately 365 'bad hair days' a year. Often a lot more.
Part of my problem I have put down to an allergic reaction to pillows. If I sleep on a sofa, on a floor, or even a bed with no pillow, come the morning my hair is as manageable as it can be - i.e. as manageable as say a rather young hyper-active chimp after drinking his first coke. If I sleep on a pillow, by dawn, my hair resembles a two year-old's attempt at building a hedgehog out of straw.
Through experimentation, I have discovered a few secrets to getting my hair to look more like I have just stepped out of a Salon (albeit not in the fashionable end of Paris, rather than the unfashionable end of Liverpool) instead of looking like I have just stepped out of a Saloon at 6:30 am after spending the night there with several ex-football players drinking need surgical spirit. These are:
The latter is a bit drastic but it ensures you have no bad hair days for nearly a week. Then, of course, you start getting bad stubble days.
This history of bad hair is a long and ugly one. Film evidence, such as "Two Million Years BC" and "Prehistoric Go-Go Women Return," show that bad hair was prevalent amongst male cavemen, whilst the females of the species still managed to look just as stunning as modern women with only the rudimentary implements available to them.
Both films provide evidence that the mini-skirt and bikini were actually invented a few million years before their supposed inception in the 20th century. And the latter proves that the first brassiere was worn 2.1 million years BC and that fire was invented by the worlds first feminist (tired of being dragged around by her hair) in order to burn the device. Unfortunately for her, the only dress to cover the female chest area at the time was the brassiere, and she re-adopted the garment a few scenes later.
All of this is an aside to bad hair. Or is it? Bad hair days were almost certainly the cause of the so-called second feminist movement in the 1960's AD.
A great many dictators and warlike leaders have been spurred onto the path of aggression by bad hair days. It is not inconsequential that most of these people have been small. Short people have notoriously bad hair.
But bad hair is best known as an indicator of genius. The best example hear is without doubt, Albert Einstein. A man who's astonishing intellect is matched only by the incredible unruliness of his hair. Sir Isaac Newton wore a huge wig, which as well as being the fashion of the day, was the perfect way to hide his intensely unsavoury hair.
But it is not only scientists who sport uncontrollably bad locks, artists, musicians and performers too have proved the relationship between being talented and having hair-from-hell. Alan Bennett, the artist Stanley Spencer, and Frank Bough are all classed in this group.
Elton John, one of the world's most prolific singers, claims his current hair-piece is natural and "his own." This is clearly an attempt to be considered a true, unmitigated genius. Others have also tried creating bad hair to convince contemporaries of their almighty talent. Kenn Dodd, Andy Warhol and Arthur Scargill are prime examples. Andrew Lloyd-Webber spends four hours each morning in the Salon, deliberately ruining his naturally perfect locks.
But does bad hair only occur on the hair? Bad beard days are just as common, but less noticeable given the general unsightliness of beards, anyway.
Porn actress, Sylvia Getianokasoute, was the first person to bring "bad pube" days to the attention of the general public, refusing to act on such days. Bad chest hair does not come in days, only patches.
Scientists in Geneva, bad-hair capital of Europe, are looking into the causes and possible cures of bad hair. They are currently investigating whether 'Status Quo' are a cause or effect of the affliction.
Whatever they find, you can be rest assured, bad hair will never suffer the burden of being fashionable. Hallelujah.
Pete More is currently appearing in a variety of hats. (1/8/95)
A reduced version of this article appeared in Mustard Magazine.