The Abba Teens - Oh, my god.
Now correct me if I’m wrong, but this is nothing that couldn’t have been done with a remix. I realise that the members of Abba are not very now, not too sexy any more and certainly not teenagers, but what they did have, and do have, is a personality. Each. Have we got so enraptured in our search for beauty, that we no longer consider a personality an essential item? Is this why Kate Moss holds the world in her hands, but hasn’t a fucking clue what to do with it.
The Abba Teens are the first in a new wave of 70’s acts half-heartedly recreated using teenagers. How long will it be before we see The Sweet-Teens, Teen-Rex, The GlitterBoyz.
Abba Teen World is a world that Gary Glitter would approve of. In Abba Teen World, a thirteen year old, adorned in expensive make-up, applied by a well-paid professional, mimes to "Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight." In fact it’s very difficult to look at teen pop sensations these days without thinking of prostitution. Overpainted, underage girls, using all they have to sell themselves. The fact that they are doing it on the set of a video shoot or the stage of Top of the Pops rather than a street corner almost seems neither here nor there.
There are so many links between the pop world and the porn industry. Many of today’s teenypop sensations are not actually as young as they make out. B*witched are a good example of twenty-something prostitutes trying to pass themselves off as teenagers. A common feature in telephone boxes up and down the country. And Britney Spears (a porn name if ever there was one) is never 17. She just has good skin. And that probably is the limit of her talents, although maybe her first producer will be able to argue against that being the case. It’s also a well-known fact that pop-porn queen Jennifer Lopez refers to people who buy her records as johns. And Geri Halliwell... need I say more.
But it isn’t just the sex that sells. The A*seTeens, in particular, have three things highly rated these days: A Retro Thing Going On, Youth and Old Songs Redone in a Modern Style. What is next? Well certainly more teenage tribute bands. Initially for just 70’s bands (see above) but also for other eras as well: The Early Byrds, The Big Teeny Bopper, Tiny Richard.
And, who knows in 20 years time, they will be teeny tribute bands for today’s acts: Younger Younger 18s, Backstreet Kids, Teenage Fanclub Teenage Fanclub.
There is already a production-line band made up of pre-schoolers about to be launched, so in a couple of years I predict the first pre-teen tribute bands will emerge: The Abba Tots, The Barenaked Babies, TWA (Toddlers With Attitude), that sort of thing.
And from then on, it’s only a short wait before Madonna’s next child releases an album of covers from the womb. I like to think she’ll be called Pre-Madonna, but knowing Madge herself, she’ll just as likely chose Egg-Plant Chiffon Hat, or Toadstool Criselda Fishcakes. Then there will be the production-line quintuplet foetuses that all sing in close harmony and perform a selection of pop soul classics. They’ll be called Preggers Plays Pop or, if they’re all boys, Effete Us. And of course, there’ll be the newest Abba Tribute band, Un:Bjorn.
After that, it’s only a matter of time before the first ever pop megastar dies before he or she is even brought into this world. Probably from a drug overdose, but maybe in a private jet crash. I know this all sounds very far-fetched and very awful, but the basic rule of thumb where pop music applies is as follows. Just when you think it can’t get any worse, Ricky Martin.
(c) Peter More, Jan 2000.